THE EXORCIST

The Supreme Court was packed to capacity with the relatives and friends of a middle aged woman who was alleged to have been killed by the accused and with the relatives and friends of the accused as well. All of them were waiting impatiently for the verdict to be delivered. When the Jury arrived after their deliberations, the sounds of silence were as deafening as the roar of thunder. 

Bentota Acharige Kumudu Fernando stood in the dock with a haunted look on his drawn and unshaven countenance. He resembled a trapped animal at the mercy of a hunter while a thousand thoughts raced through his mind. Then his lips appeared to be moving fast as if he was muttering something. But actually he was praying to the Buddha, the Enlightened One, to save him from a murder charge as he had not deliberately committed such a heinous crime. 

Since the day the woman Menike died owing to his thrashing her with a fire-brand, Kumudu lived a fugitive’s existence, knowing the law will eventually track him down. But then like a drowning man clinging to a straw, Kumudu recoiled from this hard cold fact that nobody can escape the long arm of the law. 

”The Jury has brought a verdict of guilty of carelessly causing the death of a human being, but those gentlemen have simultaneously recommended some leniency as it was not a premeditated and deliberate murder. l sentence you to 10 years Wit." said the learned Judge looking at the accused as if to say, "I have administered justice tempered with mercy." Those formidable words which held a note of finality brought Kumudu to the immediate present with jarring force. He had heard that prison life at the time was so horrible; he thought it better to die than live there for ten long years. 

Kumudu took his mind back to the past which came into focus with crystal clarity. He, no doubt, was the black sheep of the family without caring two hoots for the advice of his poor father, who earned his living as a devil dancer, “kattadiya" and exorcist. His father spent his hard-earned money to educate his only son as the other children were all daughters, but the fellow studied up to the Seventh Standard only, and dropped out of school with the result that he was unable to get a suitable job. 

One day at his father's persuasion, he went to see the Manager of a tea factory, where there was a vacancy for a security officer. 

Manager: I know your father, but I don't know you at all. What are you? 

Kumuadu: I'm a human being. What are you?

Manager: Oh, no! I meant what are you doing now? 

Kumudu: Now, I am answering your questions. Manager: No, no. What's your job at present?

Kumudu: Nothing ! 

Manager: I'll give you another chance by relating a story. You know, after all a security guard is a glorified watcher. The watcher in this estate told our Superintendent, Mr. Williams, who was preparing to go to Colombo by train that he saw a dream in the previous night that a terrible train collision took place near the Gampola Railway Station and implored him not to go anywhere by train that day. Though the Superintendent did not believe in dreams, he postponed his trip as his journey was not that urgent. On the following day the newspapers reported the collision of two trains in Gampola and the impact was so great that several passengers had died. Mr. Williams sent for the watcher and thanking him and giving him money and gifts in kind for saving Mr. Williams' life, told the watcher not to come for work in future as he was discontinued from service. Now, can you tell me why the watcher was discontinued?

Kumudu: I don't know, sir.

Manage:  I’m sorry. You tell your father that there is no job for you here. 

Kumudu went away crest fallen. Misfortune never comes single. A few days later he lost his father and was left to bear the burden of the whole family with no job in hand. However, people who knew his father came to Kumudu for advice on occult matters and he automatically fell into his father's profession. He came to be known as Kumudu Gurunnanse. 

One day a villager by the name of Appuhamy came to see the Gurunnanse and told him (Kumudu) that the farmer's wife Menike was possessed of a devil, who is creating trouble for all of them and the whole family was suffering untold hardship as the children too were falling ill very often. Kumudu thought for a while and said that there would be a 'huniyama' (charm) buried in Appuhamy's garden by an enemy and he would be able to dig it and throw it out if he was paid Rs. 250 for his trouble. Appuhamy bargained with him and reduced it to Rs 175/-, which Appuhamy paid in advance. 

Kumudu put in his shirt pocket a tiny copper box and wore his usual black coat over it and taking also a bottle of charmed oil, went to Appuhamy's house. He asked for a mammoty, and when Appuhamy said he would come and help Kumudu suspecting that Kumudu would introduce the charm, Kumudu said, "No, no; the point is, it is necessary that I should be stark naked in the dark while digging for the charm and nobody should see me." 

After digging at a corner of the land, Kumudu came back and called the inmates inciuding Menike and showed theme small box in which were ash, bones, thread etc. He gave the charm to Menike and asked her to burn it. Thereafter he uttered some 'manthrams’ while anointing Menike with the oil he had brought. The psychological effect was such that Menike too looked normal and happy. 

“Don't worry. Now everything will be O.k." said Kumudu Gurunnanse and went away rejoicing that he was able to hood~ wink all of them so successfully. 

But three days later Appuhamy visited Kumudu and told him that the devil had reappeared in Menike, who was scolding some imaginary ghosts and spirits in filth so much so that the children got frightened and were crying. 

"ln that case," said Kumudu, "the sure thing to drive this obstinate demon away for good is to have a devil dancing ceremony. Observing that Appuhamy was looking worried, Kumudu continued, "Of course, so far as I am concerned, I can help you by reducing my charges, but you will have to Spend considerable money on drummers, my assistant, the shed with ‘gokkola' decorations, masks and other knick knacks." 

”What to do, Gurunnanse," said Appuhamy, ”I can't allow my family to suffer like this even if I have to mortgage my property to meet these expenses," and in a week's time he got everything ready. 

0n the appointed night, there was a large gathering to witness the traditional devil dancing ceremony known in Sinhala as 'Thovilaya’. Menike, the principal actress too started dancing with Kumudu Gurunnanse and his assistant, and of these two wearing colourful masks, each had a firebrand, while two drummers worked up a rhythmical sound. When the dancing performed to the throbbing beat of drums-a rhythmic dialogue of sound and motion-reached its zenith, Kumudu addressed Menike as if he was addressing the devil in her-

"Are you not going away?"

”No,” said Menike. 

Kumudu then gave her a thundering slap and asked again. “Are you not going away even now?" 

I “No," replied Menike again, prompted by the devil in her. Then Kumudu began hitting her with his firebrand. Appuhamy then leaped forward and held Kumudu's hand saying, "Are you going to kill my wife ?" 

"Please don't interfere if you want me to drive this obstinate devil away," said Kumudu and began hitting the woman with the firebrand right and left again and again until her clothes caught fire and caused a blaze. The woman fell down crying loud. Some people ran to bring some water but it was too late. They then put her into a bullock cart with her burnt skin hanging out here and there, and took her to hospital. but all in vain. She gave up not only the devil but also her own ghost on 

the way. 

The people not only accused Kumudu as a murderer, but also came to assault him. He ran for his dear life and it took the Police nearly six months to arrest him and bring him to book! 

THE MISCHIEVOUS RASCAL

Walter Sirisena was a mischievous chap quarrelling with everybody in his school. He had also a quick temper. But the class teacher had a soft corner for him because he was very intelligent though not so persevering. He excelled in mathematics but in other subjects he was weak as he was too lazy to do any prolonged study. 

One day the teacher himself caught the fellow fighting with another boy. The teacher called him and said, “I say, you are no doubt having a quick temper. My advice to you is, when you get angry count up to hundred before you do anything." 

On the following day when the teacher came to the class, he observed Sirisena having a black eye. Said he addressing Sirisena, “Fighting again? Didn't I tell you yesterday, when you are angry you should count up to a hundred before you do anything ?" 

”Yes, sir," replied Sirisena, ”but,‘sir, the other boy's teacher had told him to count up to fifty only !" 

      * * * * *

When Sirisena was in the Cambridge Senior form, his class teacher was Mr. Rex Fernando, B.A., B.Sc. The final examination was to be held in December and the Principal asked Mr, Fernando to hold a selection test in November. A week before this test, Mr. Fernando told his pupils, “Boys, I have just passed the draft question papers to the printer. You take care; study hard. If any of you fail the preliminary test, mark my word, he will not be sent for the final examination. If you have any problems that need clarification, please ask me now." Then Sirisena got up and said, “I have a question to ask, sir." 

"Yes, Sirisena, I am here to help you.” 

"Sir. Who is the printer to whom you have given the question Papers?" 

As an adult Sirisena was no less mischievous than during his school career. One day he accosted a boy with long hair in the street, “Come sonny, l shall give you a free hair out.” He took the boy to a saloon, told the barber to give the boy a nice hair cut and went away saying, "i am going to the bar for a drink while you cut the kid's hair." After the barber had finished his job, the boy was waiting for Sirisena, but there was no sign of him even after two hours. 

"Where is your daddy?" asked the barber. 

The boy replied, “He is not my daddy. He stopped me on the road and asked if i would like to have a free hair cut." 

The barber thought for a while and said, “You go home, son. if l catch the fellow, l'll slash his neck with my razor.” 

       * * * * *

As stated earlier, Sirisena, after leaving the street urchin at the barber's saloon went to a pub where he met an old friend, Anto Gomes. 

Sirisane: l have passed the biblical life span of three score years and ten. 

Games : Age does not matter as long as a bloke thinks young. 

Sirisena: Eh, waiter, a dram of arrack for me and a lemonade for my friend here because he is too young to have a strong drink! 

           * * * * *

Sirisena, thinking in his drunken state that he recognized another old friend in the street on his way back home, gave the man a huge thump on his shoulder knocking him to the ground. When the man turned round indignantly, Sirisena saw to his embarrassment, that he was a total stranger. He apologized: I am sorry; I thought that you were my old friend Silva.” 

The man still reeling from the blow protested: "Even if it had been Silva, did you have to hit him so hard?” But Sirisena did not want to have any of this. 

“What’s it to you," he demanded, “however hard I hit Silva?" 

INSPECTOR EKANAYAKE

Canute Ekanayake was the product of a leading school in Colombo, where he passed the G.C.E.(O/L) Examination with five distinctions and three credits. His ambition was to become a Sub-inspector of Police. His elders advised him thus: "These days you can't pick and choose jobs. Therefore, you get into any suitable job at the first opportunity." ”No, no,” said Ekanayake, "please don't stand in my way. My ambition is to join the Police." 

On submitting his application, Ekanayake was called by the Director of the Police Training School at Kalutara, for an interview. Although he was well up in height, his chest measurement fell short by one inch, and the poor fellow was rejected. Then he did a bee-line to his Member of Parliament and got a letter to the effect that in other respects the latter could recommend Ekanayake, and therefore a slight deficiency in the measurement around the chest should be overlooked. The Assistant Superintendent of Police in charge opened the letter, read it, replaced it in the same envelope and kept the envelope against Ekanayake's chest and after measuring said, "Young man, your chest measurement is still short by one inch. Letters from Members of Parliament etc. won't go too far. So, take exercise and come back when you have enlarged your chest a little." Crest fallen, Ekanayake went home. But he did not lose heart. He consulted a physical culturist, got instructions from him and performed the necessary exercises morning and evening. 

To make a long story short, suffice it to say that Ekanayake found himself in the second batch of recruits to the sub inspectors' grade. After training, he was posted to the Chilaw Police Station, where he showed his efficiency, honesty and integrity. He did not get any quarters and therefore took accommodation in a guest house. In the guest house he was quite happy because there were two waiters, Peter and Jane, brother and sister, who left no stone unturned to give him every service and to undertake every errand of his willingly, But this was not to be for long, because a new cook engaged by the guest house keeper quarreled with Peter and Jane and eventually the brother and sister had to leave the guest house on that account though the owner of the house and even Ekanayaka himself tried to pacify them. 

Peter and Jane, though they had taken employment as waiters, had seen better days at one time, being the children of an affluent ‘madal fishing mudalali'. It seems that one of the fishing mudalali's boats was engaged by two of his employees without his knowledge in transporting gems of a Muslim business man Abdul Marikar, across to India off and on. After a few trips, Marikar's confidence was won by the two employees and Marikar always engaged the particular boat for his smuggling activities. One day at midsea, temptation entered the minds of the two men and one of them hit Marikar on the head. Marikar knew what was going to happen and jbmped overboard into the sea. Being an expert swimmer, he managed to reach the mainland and went to complain to the Police. In the meantime the two boatmen also landed and hid the gems in their homes which the Police later searched and recovered the whole booty. They charged the two men for attempted murder and robbery, and Peter's father for aiding and abetting although the latter knew nothing of this incident However, the Mudalali managed to escape legal punishment but not until all his prOperties were mortgaged to spend on the Supreme Court case. When he died, his properties were sold to meet the mortgage bond and the children, Peter and Jane, were left destitute. That was how they were forced to seek jobs as waiter and waitress in the guest house. 

To come back to our hero Sub-inspector Ekanayaks, he continued to remain in Chilaw, as not only the clergy headed by the Bishop, but also the laity headed by the Member of Parliament made representations to the Inspector General of Police whenever Ekanayake received transfer orders. He personally attended to raids, and for reducing the crime rate in Chilaw, he received promotion after promotion and in the end succeeded the Officer-in-charge. Who retired on reaching the age limit. 

one day Inspector Ekanayake, now Chief Inspector, received information that Peter was running a 'kasippu' den. He organised a raid with some constables, but found the house abandoned as obviously Peter had received prior information and had fled in time with all his utensils. On the following night Peter came to Ekanayake's room in the guest house with a bottle of whisky and an envelope containing money. for Peter had become rich by selling his illicit brew. 

'Sir," said Peter, "please accept these gifts and leave me alone.” Though when he wore the Police uniform, Ekanayake was a terror to the criminals and other unscrupulous elements, personally he was a kind-hearted man. He advised Peter to give up his nefarious activities, but when Peter insisted that he should accept the gifts as there was no other job that Peter could do, he got the devil into him and thundered, “You bloody fool, unless you take your things and get out from here, I'll have to blow your brains out!" When Peter was still insisting, Ekanayake kicked him and at last he ran away with all his might. 

Ekanayake instructed his chief sergeant to arrange a raid in the following week and to keep all relevant facts strictly confidential. When in the following week Ekanayake and his assistants arrived at Peter's place, the latter took his unlicensed gun and shot at Ekanayake. But Ekanayake, thanks to his training at the Police Training School, managed to escape the shot and in turn to direct his pistol at Peter, who fell dead. A constable had attacked Jane with his baton and Jane fell and dislocated her right knee. When Ekanayake went up to her, she said, "Forgive us, Sir, l have «told my brother several times not to do this job; but he told me that he had no other iob to do.” When Ekanayake looked at her sweet, pathetic face, tears came into his eyes and he lost no time in carrying her in his arms into his jeep, and then to the base hospital, Chilaw. 

The Medical Officer was a personal friend of Ekanayake and everything possible was done to restore the knee cap to its original position “fortunately it" was a ‘simple dislocation. That night Ekanayake had no sleep because the face of the pretty girl Jane haunted him. Having nobody to support her now that her brother was no more -she was helpless and Ekanayake thought that the best way of compensating for her loss was to marry her as a pretty girl in a pitiable condition into which she had fallen as a result of a rowdy brother, who did not listen to her advice, deserved succour. So, as soon as she was discharged from the hospital, he married her by special license, and they lived happily ever after. 

Ekanayake willingly ignored the following telegram sent by his father:-

“Don’t marry a pauper, Received proposal for you- pretty girl with lakhs.”

Jane, of course, could not be regarded as a pauper. All the money that her brother earned, both lawfully and unlawfully and whatever properties he had, passed into her hands.

R.S.V.P

Gamini Appuhamy was a villager who had his education entirely in the Sinhala medium. It is not that he did not know English at all. There was one hour devoted to the teaching of English in his school and he had taken full advantage of it. However, he was affluent enough to send his son to Ananda College, Colombo. 

Appuhamy had several Tamil friends with whom he moved with hundred per cent cordiality as he was not a communal minded man at all. One day he received a wedding invitation from one of them, marked R.S.V.P. at the bottom left-hand corner of the card. Though with difficulty he understood the text of the invitation, the initials R.S.V.P. baffled him. So he took it to the master of the school in which his younger children were studying. That worthy was frank enough to admit that he did not know what those letters stood for. He then took the card to the boutique-keeper, who used to boast that he studied at St. Patrick's, Jaffna, and passed his Cambridge Junior there. That wise-acre said, “Oh! these stand for special guests Ramalingam, Shelliah, Velaudan and Ponnambalam. Their initials have been given so as not to offend the general guests. 

Not satisfied with the above explanation and not saying so, thinking that the Tamil Mudalali would get offended, Appuhamy took the card to the Sub-Postmaster, who examining it closely said, ”Oh! These are the initials of the bridegroom's father, whom I know very well-Rama Siva Velmurugu Paramanathan. thinking internally that all that was non-sense, the farmer went to the Parish Priest. 

"Since this is a Hindu wedding with dinner immediately after, l think the letters stand for the menu-~Rasam, Sambol, Vadai, Paayasam,” said the priest, nodding his head wisely. Appuhamy, thinking that at last he found the truth, went home gladly and wrote to the bridegroom's father, who had sent him the card, as follows-

“l thank you very much for the invitation. My whole family would attend the wedding. i am particularly glad that you are having rasam, sambal, vadai and paayasam for dinner. These i believe are vegetable foods, and we are all vegetarians, having given up meat on the advice of our temple monks.” 

0n the following day‘ Appuhamy went to Colombo, not only to pay his son's boarding and'school feeshbut also to bring him home to attend the wedding. He, of course, had to show the invitation card to the Principal to obtain leave for his son. However, he took the Opportunity to ask the Principal what R.S.V.P. stood for. He also told the latter what difficulty he had to undergo in trying to understand them. 

The Principal then said, ”No wonder, pe0ple won't understand them because they stand for the French words, 'Repondez s'il vous plait' which in English mean 'Reply. if you please' 

THE PLANTER

George Thompson went from England to Africa to take up duties as a planter in Kenya. He was fond of hunting wild animals, and that was one of the reasons why he went to such a remote country, where the infrastructure was not even half so good as in such a developed country like the United Kingdom. However, he did not bring his family before seeing what it was like to live in a wild continent like Africa. 

The Superintendent of the neighbouring tea estate, also an Englishman, warned Thompson not to go out too far into the jungle without a guide cum bodyguard, as there were cannibals besides wild animals, inter alia, the gorillas, elephants and lions. Thompson sent for a guide, who had to be, of course, a native, who knew the jungle tracts well, and when the man came Thompson interviewed him. 

Guard:  Me shall certainly come to protect you, but must have money first. 

Thompson:  What, to pay you in advance! Don't you trust me? 

Guard:  Sure, me trust you. But me take no chances! The last man, who was a tourist me guarded, got killed and me never got money! 

Thompson:  And when the tourist was killed, you ran away? 

Guard:  Me no run away. The cannibals were my own people. They invited me for dinner. Me joined them because human flesh, is so delicious and tasty! 

Thompson: You are a funny body-guard and guide! Please go away; I don't want you! 

The next day Thompson took his gun and cartridges and went out alone hunting. When he entered the thick jungle, he heard some noise and turning towards the direction of the sound, he beheld a huge elephant poised to charge at him. He ran for a short distance and seeing that mass of flesh following him, he turned round, aimed his gun and went on firing. While many shots missed, some struck the animal all over its body Nevertheless; it kept on approaching Thompson, now very slowly. Thompson aimed the final shot at the forehead of the animal and pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the target-the beast staggered and fell down dead. 

The death of the elephant did not end Thompson's agony. Far away he saw a lion approaching him. Though an extremely courageous man, who held his cool even in front of a wounded wild elephant, he began to sweat when he realised that he had a gun with all cartridges exhausted. He ran for his dear life, ' and though he escaped the lion, he found that he had lost his way. Without knowing his bearings, he roamed here and there till he fell into a gang of savages-cannibals, who caught him and tied his hands with a strong creeper and took him to their quarters. 

The Chieftain of the gang seemed to be a civilized man and talked to Thompson in flawless English, the result, he said, of his Oxford education. 

Thompson: Can't you save me? I haven't done any harm to any of you. 

Chieftain: Very sorry; my boys haven't eaten the flesh of ‘homo sapiens’ for a long time. Not a soul came this way after a tourist was killed long ago. Even if I want to release you, others won't allow me to do so as they want to have a good feast. 

Thompson: You are an Oxford man, who use even Latin expressions and yet you want to eat your fellow men. 

Chieftain: Yes, but I use a knife, fork and spoon now.

THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR

Professor X. Sam Samarawickrema, a great scientist, was concentrating his attention on a mathematical problem when his friend George Perera went to see him. The Professor sent word through his servant to inform Perera who was downstairs that the professor would come down to see him in fifteen minutes' time. 

Perera was waiting and waiting and the servant in the meantime laid lunch for the Professor on the table downstairs and went out. It was 1 pm. and still the Professor did not come down. Perera was hungry and angry so much so that he helped himself to the food on the table and went away. The Professor came down at about 1.45 pm. and opening the plates he said, “My, I forgot that I had already taken my lunch. It's strange that I am feeling so hungry now." So saying he went upstairs to continue his work. 

Perera came to see Professor Samarawickrema again in the evening of the same day as his business could not be done in the forenoon. This time he went straight upstairs and found the Professor searching for something high and low. "See, Mr. Perera,” he said, “I can't do anything because my spectacles are missing." 

”Your spectacles are on your forehead, Professor," said Mr. Perera. When he also! Told the Professor what had happened in the morning, it was only then that the latter realized that he had missed his lunch! Even his servant who washed his plates did not know it.

                * * * * * *

Professor Samarawickrema was invited to deliver a lecture at the Annual General Meeting of the Royal Asiatic Society held at the Colombo Public Library and he came down from his residence in Kandy by the returning Kandy express and got down at the Colombo Fort Railway Station. The train was late. So he jumped into a taxi and told the driver, "Hurry up a top speed." As they raced along, the Professor realized that he did not know where he had to go nor that fool of a driver asked him about it. He then shouted to the driver, "Do you know where I want to go?" 

“No, Sir," said the taxi driver, "but I am driving as fast as I can as requested by you." In fact he was driving in the opposite direction towards Kollupitiya! ' 

                * * * * * *

Professor Samarawickrema hated to be disturbed while at work. As stated earlier, he goes on and on till he finishes the work in hand even without meals. One day while he was working late into the night, the wall clock in his study began to chime 12 o’clock. He ignored the first two or three chimes, but when the clock went on chiming further, the outraged scientist took a broom that was lying there and began hitting the clock so much that it came down crashing on to the floor in pieces! 

               * * * * * *

Professor Samarawickrema, who had a diploma in Agriculture, was invited to deliver a lecture in Jaffna mainly on that subject. He went with his host-another Professor who was a Jaffna Tamil-and they found the hall packed with farmers mostly. He spoke for about one hour and sat down to rather unenthusiastic applause. He was quite embarrassed as he had spent considerable time in preparing that lecture which he thought was one of the best he could ever deliver. 

Another speaker got up immediately and spoke in Tamil with some notes in his hand. The Professor observed that the second lecturer was widely applauded after every sentence. To hide his embarrassment, the Professor too began to applaud the speaker until his host leaned over and whispered, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. He is interpreting your Speech!"

              * * * * * *

Professor Samarawickrema wanted to buy a jar for his experiments and went into a shop for the purpose. He picked up a jar which was upside down and exclaimed, "How absurd. This jar has no mouth!" When he turned it over, he was more ‘astonished, "Why, the bottom is gone too!” he ejaculated. 

               * * * * * *

The same absent minded Professor, while himself driving his car, struck against another car ahead; His car was not damaged, but the other car was crushed. 

“Don't worry. I shall pay the full cost of repairs," he told the other driver, “ring me up when the work is over." When the Professor started 'his car to drive away, the other driver asked, “What's your telephone number?” 

”Oh, it's in the Telephone Directory," replied the Professor 

“What's your name?"

“Why, it’s also in the Telephone Directory," replied the Professor and drove away! 

DON JUAN

Don Juan was a happy-go-lucky fellow who had not a care in the world. His parents were affluent and they sent him to a prestigious college. Nevertheless, he was very backward in his studies, frequently going after girls. Owing to this weakness, though he managed to scrape through the G.C.E. (O./L.), he was a thorough failure at the Advance Level Examination. 

The following song Don Juan often sang though his parents have forbidden him to do so:-

l touched my girl on her toe, Glory Aleluia. 

She said, ”My lad, you are far too low," Glory Aleluia. 

l touched my girl on her knee, Glory Aleluia. 

She said, "My lad, you are far too free," Glory Aleluia. 

I touched my girl on her thigh, Glory Aleluia. 

She said, "My lad, you are drawing nigh,” Glory Aleluia. 

The following joke titled, "The Geography of women," Don Juan knew by heart and he used to crack it among his friends, particularly at parties.” 

From 17 to 25 women are like Africa, part virgin and part explored. 

From 25 to 35 they are like the United States, high forest and temperate. 

From 35 to 45 hey are like Asia, dark and mysterious. 

From 45 to 55 they are like Europe, devastated but interesting in places. 

From 55 on wards they are like Australia; every one knows ‘ where it is, but few people go there. 

There was a funny story about Don Juan involving a film star, who used to pass his house on her way to work and whose ' first name Therese was the only one known to him. He tried to speak to her several times, but she utterly ignored him. One day he ran to her and told her, "l-l-love you, Miss Therese. Can l have a date to go out with you ?" 

“There is a more beautiful girl coming behind me. Go and speak to her," replied Therese. 

Don Juan then reversed his steps to find the other girl to be a plain one. Walking fast he came back to the film star and the following conversation took places-

Don Juan : You are a damn liar. That girl is an ”ugly duckling l" 

Therese   : If. as you say, you love me, why did you go away to speak to the other girl? You yourself are a liar,              

Don-Juan : You know a man's heart is large enough to love two women. 

Therese   : Go to hell. You’leave me alone, please. 

DEAF MAN GETS GOOD HEARING

One day, an amusing personality Vincent de Paul was driving his own motor car to Colombo. At the Bambalapitiya Junction, a Police Constable whistled signaling the driver to stop so that some pedestrians may cross the road. Paul, nevertheless, drove on only to be stopped by a traffic inspector, who was overseeing that portion of the road, What the devil, man, that P.C whistled twice and you didn't stop." 

“Oh! did he whistle?" asked Paul, ”the trouble is i am almost deaf." "Don't worry; you will get your hearing in Court,” said the Inspector and asked for the driving license, which Paul had not cared to obtain from the Commissioner of Motor Traffic.

After about two weeks, Paul received summons to appear in the Magistrate's Court, Narahenpita. On the trial date, Paul told the Magistrate that he was not retaining a lawyer as he wanted to defend himself.

 Magistrate: There are two Charges against you-

Count 1: You did drive a motor car without a certificate of competence.

Count 2: You did fail to stop your motor car when signalled to do so by a Police officer. 

Accused: l plead not guilty to both charges. I was more or less deaf and I didn’t hear the whistling of the PC. With regard to driving without a certificate of competence, I can drive perfectly well. 

Magistrate: How is it that you hear me now? Why didn't you get a driving license?

Accused: I can prove Your Honour that I can drive my own car with competence. So what is the use of a paper qualification – I mean a driving license? Regarding deafness, Sir, the I.P himself told me that I could get my hearing here. (Laughter in Court.) 

Magistrate: I find you guilty on both counts. You are fined Rs. One thousand with a warning that it you repeat these offences, I shall not fail to send you to jail. 

Paul paid the fine and went home a sadder but a wiser man. 

IDIOTIC PIYADASA

Piyadasa, a village youth employed by Mrs. Perera was an absolute idiot. One day she sent him to buy a bag of cement and the fellow returned carrying it on his head. On the way, the bag of cement had broken down, spilling most of the contents on his head and all along the road.

"Oh, Piyadasa, you fool," cried Mrs. Perera in vexation, "why didn't you hire at least a hand-cart to bring the bag of cement?" 

The next day Mrs. Perera sent Piyadasa to buy a kilo of sugar, and he brought it safely in a cart he had hired for the purpose, compelling Mrs. Perera to pay the cart-hire as well! 

When Mrs. Perera was engaged in sewing a frock for her, the sewing machine needle broke and she asked Piyadasa to take the bicycle and bring her a sewing needle soon from the market. He took a long time to return. When Mrs. Perera questioned him, he said that he had to delay because he had to drag the bicycle all along up and down as it had a flat tyre. “Then why did you take it at all?" asked Mrs. Perera."Because you wanted me to, take it," was Piyadasa's reply. 

Mrs. Perera found some funny taste in the curry that Piyadasa had prepared. 

“Piyadasa," said Mrs. Perera, “Did you wash the fish before you cooked it?” 

”What for, madam?" replied the fool, "the fish was in the water all throughout its life!" 

That was the last day that Mrs. Perera got anything cooked by Piyadasa. 

Piyadasa, though a fool, was a hard worker. The only trouble was that he had to be told what to do item by item. Mrs. Perera, in exasperation told him, "Look here, Piyadasa: l can‘t be telling you every time what to do one by one. For example, if  I ask you to bring a basin of water to wash my face, you must bring the soap, the towel .and the comb as well. I am a woman of few words and you must be able to understand what I intend with my very few words. Otherwise l am afraid I'll have to send you home in spite of your mother pleading with me to keep you here as your father is dead and she has no way of supporting you. She depends mostly on the part of your salary and other help I give her. 

Piyadasa got so frightened that thereafter he did not do anything without thinking and all went well until Mrs. Perera took ill. Piyadasa at the request of Mrs. Perera, called the family doctor without delay. After a thorough check up, the doctor wrote out a prescription and left it with the patient. 

Giving the prescription to Piyadasa, Mrs. Perera said, "Take this to the chemist." 

"At once, Madam," he uttered and he went out taking the g prescription with him. 

Mrs. Perera was waiting for a long time, but there was no sign of Piyadasa. Even at lunch time Piyadasa had not come at least to have his meals. When at last Piyadasa appeared in the evening, an angry Mrs. Perera asked him, "Where on earth a  have you been? I told you to go to the chemist. It's not more than five minutes' walk from here." 

Piyadasa coolly replied, "In fact, Madam, I went to the chemist and here are the drugs. But according to your previous instructions to take follow up action, I went to the priest, then to the undertaker and finally to the grave-digger." 

Fuming with rage, Mrs. Perera scolded Piyadasa saying, “You bloody fool, did you expect me to die today? Oh Lord, how can I tolerate an idiot like this! 

THE FORTUNE-TELLER

Banda Anthoni hailing from an aristocratic family was a clerk in the Kandy Kachcheri. He associated with drinking friends and became addicted to liquor and was giving a great deal of trouble to his parents. His parents thought that he; was under the influence of a bad star and took him to astrologer cum fortune-teller in Ampitiya. The astrologer had a daughter named Leela, who was well educated in the Sinhala medium. Unlike other village damsels, she was not of the backward type but came out and helped her father in his work, incidentally learning all the ramifications of her father's job. 

The girl had beauty in every line of her slender figure shown at its best in her clean welt-fitting clothes. Her skin was of a pleasing dark shade and her long-lashed eyes soon caught Banda's fancy and captured his heart. But Banda did not betray any of his emotions to his parents though he became aware that he had fallen in love at first sight. 

The astrologer examined Banda’s horoscope and told his parents that they need not worry as the evil influence would pass away soon. The family departed feeling happy. But Banda made it a point to visit the girl every weekend and when his parents came to know about it, they became furious In the meantime the girl had managed successfully to persuade Banda to keep away from alcoholic drinks. Though Banda brought this fact and the girl's good character to the notice of his parents, they were determined as never before to break up the romance on the ground that it was a disgrace for their son to get married below their status. 

As Banda did not listen to his parents, his father spoke to the Controller of Establishments and got him a transfer to the Barricaloa Kachcheri. Nevertheless the Parents could not prevent their son‘s contact with Leela through correspondence. They then managed to bribe the Postman and get their son's letters, which should have been delivered to his girl. Leela was heart-broken when she found no letters coming to her from her boy-friend. After some time Banda in Batticaloa received a letter from an unknown person that Leela's father died and she herself took poison and died through grief and disappointment and the romance came to an end thereafter. 

When Banda had completed four years, i.e. his full term in Batticaloa, he obtained a transfer to the Department of Agriculture in Peradeniya. His parents were glad that their reformed son could now travel to office from home daily. Banda, who had already given up the company of drinking friends, had as his constant companion his pet dog at home. 

One day he found his dog missing. He went all over the neighborhood searching for it and in the process he met a friend-a brother officer-who hearing of his plight about the dog asked him to consult a lady fortune-teller who was famous for tracing lost goods. Walking 3 little further up in the same street, he saw a board which read “FORTUNETELLER--Consulting hours 8.30 am. to 4.00 pm." Banda went in and found two more people come for consultation. He sat down next to them and when his turn came, he was ushered into a room by a servant girl. In the room he found the female fortune-teller about twenty five years of age seated opposite a framed opaque glass smeared with some oily substance. There were statues of Hindu gods all round the room with a statue of the Buddha as well. Another servant girl was burning incense which emitted a fragrant odour all round. 

The fortune-teller took down Banda's name and address and said that her charge was 25 which should be paid in advance. When Banda handed over the money to her, she asked him what his problem was He told her that he lost his pet dog and wanted to know where the fellow could be found. Then she gazed at the glass and uttering a ‘manthrum' said "I see a few dogs at the Municipal dog pound caught by the dog catchers of the Local Authority. What's the colour of your dog?" 

"Jet black,“ replied Banda. ”

Oh! The fellow is there, but I am afraid you will lose him because all dogs there are about to be taken into the gas chamber. . . .But wait a minute. What do I see now. . . .l see a girl. . ..she is dark and beautiful. . . .She is looking at the photograph of a man. . . .of you. She thinks that you have abandoned her by not continuing your correspondence with her.” 

Banda leaned forward across the liable. He had forgotten his professed disbelief in fortune-telling. He had forgotten everything but this low emotional voice that might tell him something....something. The fortune-teller resumed -- 

"She thinks that you are yet in Batticaloa, and even if you are near her it wouldn‘t matter-for you no longer love her." 

"She is not dead; she is quite alive and is still longing for you.“ 

“Where is she? Tell me where she is.“ 

Banda's voice was tense with excitement. The fortune teller slowly moved her face away from the framed opaque oil-smeared glass and turning to Banda said, "Sorry, I can't tell you anymore." 

"But," pleaded Banda, "now that you have told me so much-l don’t care about the dog-can't you tell me where to find my love, please?" 

There was a long pause. Then the fortune-teller gazed at the opaque glass again. Her voice came in a harsh tone.  

“You know the Municipal Park," she said, ”tonight is a full moon night. You be there at about 6 pm. Your girl will be at the park at that time. Then you may find your happiness." 

Like a man in a daze, Banda stumbled out of that room. and on his way to the park, several thoughts flashed across his mind: 

Leela wouldn't come-of course she wouldn‘t come Perhaps she wasn’t even living here. But what he did know.” know once and for all-was that there was nothing else in life for him now nobody else in the world but Leela. He would find her somehow; or rather did not the fortune-teller direct him to go to that park the same evening? He would not care what his relatives and parents thought. After all Prince Saliya gave up his throne for Asokamala. 

But what if he could not find her, and that fortune-teller, though she looked beautiful and innocent, has deceived him? What if Leela had gone away, no one knew where. . . . ? 

By the time Banda reached the park, it was nearly 6 pm. and over the grass came a girl in a new bright saree. But surely wasn't it the fortune-telling girl who had changed her saree? “Where is my Leela; where is my beloved?" asked Banda of her. “I am Leela", said the girl. 

For a moment Banda stood there still gazing, unable to believe his eyes, as Leela had changed so much during the few years they were apart. . . .Then he strode forward. . . . and in a moment he had her in his arms; whispering broken sentences of love and glorying in the replies that made the depression, the loneliness of the past few years seem nothing ....less than nothing. . . .the stuff of which nightmares are made!